Today, Dr. Shefali, the author of “The Awakened family”, “talks” about the control and the pressure we, as parents, tend to put on our children. I can’t help but notice how we actually do that when it comes to many aspects of our adult life. We so often try to control those things that are, actually, out of our control: the way other act, react, talk or do, the way a day unfolds ahead of us, the future, the thoughts and experiences…In fact, the only thing we should do is to observe ourselves (the answers are always within us), see what can be done (if something needs to be done) and then, just let go…trust…Which, I know, can be quite difficult in the modern society we live in, as we are thought from a young age that we are more of a human doing, than a human being…

THE WAY IN WHICH CULTURE SETS UP THE PARENTS TO FAIL

-Parenting must redirect its attention from having control over children to supporting their physical, emotional and mental development;
-Our children need us to stimulate their courage to be their own masters, taking into account their age; we must be confident that once they become independent, they will naturally aspire to reach their maximum potential and find everything they need, so that they can do it;
-As parents, it is vital to understand that as long as our children are in direct contact with their deep self, that has unlimited resources, they will find the necessary force to become more self-empowered than we can imagine.
-Because it is against our condition, which teaches that life is unpredictable and therefore we must always be “in action”, assuming the role of a wise guide parent can make us feel uncomfortable at first, because we have the feeling that we have given up the parental role, because we were raised with the mentality “you are what you do”. As parents, we feel that if we do not try to control our children or influence a certain result that we want, we do not do the right thing. Parents become obsessed with the idea of ​​activity, as a supposed antidote against their own fears, pushing their children to a future parents want for them.
-Only when we stop listening to the voice in our minds, when we quit our obsessions and consider our children sovereign beings, capable of coping with the challenge of becoming independent, it is only then our children will show determination and courage, that is, in fact, their natural state.

WHEN CARING IS SIMILAR TO CONTROLLING

-It is very difficult to give up the need to control, because our Ego will send us alarming messages, that actually have nothing to do with our children and with what is happening to them at the moment;
-When parents eliminate anxiety from the equation, children begin to take control of their lives.
-Being obsessed with achieving the goals that promise us a “happy” future for our children, we always control in detail every aspect of the lives of our offspring; as if the pressure of academic success is not enough, we urge children to engage in sports and in social activities, in dance, in singing or in musical instruments, besides other activities, while television and the Internet are trying to distract them. Surrounded by so many activities, children grow up in a world focused on the doing;
Why do we insist so much to involve the children in all these activities? Simply because we are afraid of losing certain opportunities and therefore our children will not become what we hoped to become: successful people in a world defined by the standards of today’s society. Or perhaps we would have liked to have had our children’s opportunities too, and we want to make sure we offer them everything we did not have;
-Parents are oriented towards the future, to reach what they imagine they should reach, while children, when left alone, enjoy the present moment. Most of the lack of connection between parents and children is about the discrepancy between a life enjoyed moment by moment and a life that focuses on the future;

-When children are allowed to enjoy each moment, without always having a plan of activities to be done, they find their way to the native intelligent life, the deepest desires, their innate inclinations and the passions that come from the innate feeling of the children to enjoy life and the belief that their life is an extraordinary adventure, not being influenced by the fear that they must achieve results.
-All we need to do as parents is to give children a stable environment in which to have the space and time to discover their passions, as a way of expressing their authentic being, because the Universe itself, in its vast multitude of varied forms, was formed in a state of space and time silence and stillness.

Astazi, Dr. Shefali, autoarea cartii “The Awakened family”, “vorbeste” despre control si despre presiunea pe care noi, ca parinti, tindem sa o punem asupra copiilor nostri. Nu pot sa nu observ cum, de fapt, facem asta in multe aspecte ale vietii noastre de adulti. Atat de des se intampla sa incercam sa controlam chestiuni care, de fapt, nu sunt sub controlul nostru: cum actioneaza sau reactioneaza, ce spun sau ce fac altii, felul in care ziua se deruleaza in fata nostra, viitorul, gandurile si experientele…De fapt, singurul lucru care e de facut este sa ne auto observam (raspunsurile sunt intotdeauna in interiorul nostru), sa vedem daca se poate ceva (si daca e nevoie sa facem ceva) si apoi sa…renuntam, cu incredere….ceea ce e foarte greu, stiu, in societatea de astazi, caci de mici am fost invatati ca suntem mai degraba fiinte care fac, si mai putin care sunt, care fiinteaza.

MODUL IN CARE CULTURA II PROGRAMEAZA PE PARINTI SA DEA GRES

• Parentajul trebuie sa-si redirectioneze atentia de la a detine controlul asupra copiilor nostri, la a le sprijini dezvoltarea capacitatilor fizice, emotionale si mintale;
• Copiii nostri au nevoie ca noi sa le stimulam curajul de a fi proprii lor stapani, tinand cont de varsta lor; trebuie sa avem incredere ca in momentul in care vor deveni independenti, ei vor aspira in mod natural sa-ti atinga potentialul maxim si ca vor gasi tot ce au nevoie pentru a face acest lucru;
• Ca parinti, este vital sa intelegem ca, atat timp cat copiii nostri sunt in legatura directa cu sinele lor profund, care are resurse nelimitate, vor gasi forta necesara de a se automotiva mai mult decat ne putem imagina.
• Deoarece este impotriva conditiei noastre, care ne invata ca viata este imprevizibila si, de aceea, trebuie sa fim mereu “in actiune”, asumarea rolului de ghid intelept ne poate face sa ne simtim incomozi la inceput, caci avem senzatia ca am renuntat la rolul de parinte, pentru ca am fost crescuti cu mentalitatea “esti ceea ce faci”. Ca parinti, simtim ca daca nu incercam sa ne controlom copiii sau sa influentam un anumit rezultat, pe care ni-l dorim, nu facem ceea ce trebuie. Parintii devin obsedati de ideea de activitate, ca presupus antidot impotriva temerilor proprii, impingadu-si copiii spre un viitor pe care si-l doresc pentru ei.
• Doar in momentul in care incetam sa ascultam vocea din mintea noastra, cand renuntam la obsesiile noastre si ne consideram copiii fiinte suverane, extrem de capabile sa faca fata provocarii de a deveni independente, copiii vor da dovada de hotarare si de curaj, care este, de fapt, starea lor naturala.

CAND GRIJA ESTE SIMTITA CA O DORINTA DE A CONTROLA

• Este foarte greu sa renuntam la nevoia de a controla, caci eu-l nostru ne asalteaza cu mesaje ingrijoratoare, care insa nu au nicio legatura cu copiii si cu ce li se intampla in prezent.
• Cand parintii elimina anxietatea din ecuatie, copiii  incep sa preia controlul asupra propiilor vieti.
• Obsedati de atingerea obiectivelor, care ne promit un viitor “fericit” pentru copiii nostri, controlam mereu, in detaliu, fiecare aspect din viata odraslelor noastre; de parca presiunea de a avea succes din punct de vedere academic nu ar fi de ajuns, ne presam copiii sa se implice in activitati sportive si sociale, in cursuri de dans, de canto sau de instrumente muzicale, pe langa alte activitati, in timp ce televiziunea si internetul incearca sa le distraga atentia. Inconjurati de atatea activitati, copiii cresc intr-o luma concentrata pe a face;
• De ce insistam atat de mult sa ii implicam pe copii in toate aceste activitati? Pur si simplu pentru ca ne este teama ca vor pierde anumite oportunitati si, prin urmare, ca nu vor deveni ceea ce am sperat noi sa devina: persoane de succes intr-o lume definita de standardele societatii actuale. Sau poate ca ne-am fi dorit sa fi avut si noi oportunitatile copiilor nostri si vrem sa ne asiguram ca le oferim tot ceea ce nu am avut noi;
• Parintii sunt orientati spre viitor, spre a ajunge unde isi imagineaza ei ca ar trebui sa ajunga, iar copiii, cand sunt lasati in pace, se bucura de momentul prezent. Majoritatea lipsei de conexiune dintre parinti si copii se rezuma la discrepanta dintre o viata savurata moment cu moment si o viata care se concentreaza pe viitor;
• Cand copiilor li se permite sa savureze fiecare moment, fara sa aiba mereu un plan de activitati de facut, li se trezesc la viata inteligenta nativa, cele mai profunde dorinte, inclinatiile lor innascute si pasiunile, ce provin din sentimentul innascut al copiilor de a se bucura de viata si din credinta ca viata lor este o aventua extraordinara, nefiind influentata de teama ca trebuie sa obtina rezultate.
• Tot ce trebuie sa facem ca parinti este sa le oferim copiilor un mediu stabil, in care sa aiba spatiul si timpul necesare pentru a-si descoperi pasiunile, ca mod de a-si exprima fiinta autentica, caci Universul insusi, in vasta sa multitudine de forme variate, s-a format in starea de liniste si de tacere a spatiului si a timpului.