In ultima vreme, mult prea des si mult prea devreme, moartea ia de mana oameni de tot felul si de toate varstele, ducandu-i pe un alt taram. Cu totii suntem…muritori si poate ca ideea propriei fragilitati ne ajuta sa ne cunoastem si sa ne intelegem mai bine, pregatindu-ne pentru singura certitudine a vietii: moartea.
When I was very young, I was convinced that everything I saw in movies and I read in books are beautiful love stories, but they were stories that the reality would crush the day after the wedding. I felt that the emotions, the magic, the otherworldly adoration and glamorous love that seem to transcend time and space in literature and movies, all that have nothing to do with what I saw around me.
Although my parents have always had a lasting relationship and I have never witness any kind of scandal, it was not very difficult for me to realize that the need and the tradition were leading the relationship and that although love was there, it was not that visible, so that my soul would get inspired by it.
Then, I had enough colleagues or friends who had to deal with divorces or, even worse, with scandals and beatings. In the days of my childhood and adolescence, I would almost never see a man “at the pot” or doing lessons with the children, who would clean the house or do groceries. So rarely I would see couples where the relationship was based on affection and real partnership, that it is no surprise that my image of love and marriage, in particular, was not very idyllic or something I would want to try. In short, I did not want to love or get married. I was too rational to swallow such a fairy tell.
Later, at age 16, life gave me the chance to love. But that did not change my opinion about love. In fact, it strengthened my impression: you can’t live the love from the movies and the books, because yes, I had love, but I also had jealousy, distrust and profound suffering. Yeah, it was nice to love and be loved, but at least at that age, it turned out to be too hard to juggle with so many feelings, to believe that it could last and to be sure that that kind of love would bring me joy and peace which I knew I needed in order for me to grow.
A few years later, when I met Catalin again, my old acquaintance from the teenage years and when I was convinced that he was “different,” then I decided to give love one more try. But, just when I should have known enough, and although when I was much younger I had not believed into the bitter-sweet propaganda of the idea of a romantic relationship, exactly then I wanted to live love according to the standards of the movies I have watched and of the books I have read. I lost so much time and energy! had to remind myself that fantasy does not equal romance. In time, I have learned how to make the difference between the “idea” of love and the truth about how I could actually live the love and what that meant.
I did quit a long time ago to find out with the mind what means to love and be loved. Today, my eyes see and my heart feels love in a way that has nothing glamorous and yet it is so authentic and so simple! For example, it is enough that when my Man takes me in his arms, even time stops from breathing, while the mind gets empty and all worries disappear. I do not need anything more than to look at my children to feel how love grows warm inside, like a giant and gentle sun. And I know that, traveling alone by plane, at almost 70 years old, for the first time in her life, to come to see us in the UK, is the proof of the supreme love that my mother could offer me.
I know a lot of people who struggle. They cause deep suffer to themselves and to others in the name of love. I can’t explain using words what true love is, but I know I am living it. And that did not happen until I stopped from forcing myself to get it, to keep it, to prove it or to feel it. Perhaps I’m lucky. Or I am just getting old. Or perhaps I actually learned to look inside to find what I need and to love all of it. And so I realized that, in reality, love is more simple and more beautiful that the one in movies or in books.
P.S. Happy birthday, my Man!
Cand eram foarte tanara, eram convinsa ca ce vedeam in filme si ce citeam in carti sunt povesti frumoase de iubire, povesti pe care insa realitatea le-ar zdrobi a doua zi dupa nunta. Intuiam ca sentimentele, magia, adoratia din alta lume si dragostea perfecta, ce pareau sa transcenda timpul si spatiul, nu aveau prea multe in comun cu ce vedeam in jur.
Desi parintii mei au avut mereu o relatie trainica si nu am fost partasa la scandaluri de niciun fel, nu era foarte greu sa imi dau seama ca nevoia si traditia conduceau relatia si ca, desi dragostea era acolo, ea nu razbatea atat, incat sufletul meu de om in crestere sa se lase inspirat.
Apoi, aveam destui colegi ori prieteni care erau nevoiti sa faca fata la divorturi sau, mai rau, la scandaluri si la batai. In vremurile copilariei si adolescentei mele, nu vedeam mai niciodata barbat “la cratita” sau care sa faca lectii cu copiii, care sa deretice prin casa sau sa faca piata. Atat de rar vedeam cupluri care sa lase sa se intrevada ca relatia era bazata pe afectiune si pe un parteneriat real, incat nu e de mirare ca imaginea mea legata de dragoste si de casatorie in special, nu era una foarte idilica sau pe care sa vreau sa o probez. Pe scurt, nu imi doream sa iubesc sau sa ma casatoresc. Eram mult prea rationala, ca sa inghit asemenea dulcegarii.
Mai tarziu, pe la 16 ani, viata mi-a dat sansa sa iubesc. Dar asta nu mi-a schimbat prea tare opinia deja formata despre dragoste. In fapt, mi-a intarit impresia ca nu poti trai cu dragostea din filme si din carti, caci intalnisem eu iubire, dar si gelozie, neincredere si suferinta profunda. Da, era frumos sa iubesc si sa fiu iubita, dar, cel putin la acea varsta, se dovedea a fi prea greu sa jonglez cu atata simtire si sa cred ca asta va putea dainui si ca acel gen de iubire imi va aduce bucuria si linistea de care stiam ca am nevoie, ca sa cresc “mare”.
Ani mai tarziu, cand drumul meu s-a intersectat din nou cu cel al lui Catalin, vechea mea cunostinta din adolescenta, si cand m-am convins ca el e “altfel”, am hotarat sa ii mai ofer iubirii o sansa. Dar, exact cand ar fi trebuit sa fi invatat destule si desi candva nu ma lasasem prostita de propaganda dulce-amaruie a ideii de relatie romantica, Hollywood-iana, exact atunci mi-am dorit sa traiesc iubirea dupa standardele filmelor vizionate si cartilor citite. Cat timp si cata energie pierdute! A trebuit sa imi reamintesc ca fantezia nu inseamna dragoste. Mi-a luat ani buni sa fac diferenta intre “ideea” de iubire si adevarul despre cum puteam, de fapt, trai iubirea si ce insemna asta.
Am renuntat demult sa aflu cu mintea ce presupune sa iubesti si sa fii iubit. Azi, ochii mei vad si inima mea simte iubirea intr-un mod care nu are nimic stralucitor si totusi, e atat de autentica in simplitatea ei. De exemplu, mi-e de ajuns ca atunci cand Omul meu ma imbratiseaza, timpul iti tine si el respiratia, in timp ce mintea se goleste si grijile dispar. Nu am nevoie de nimic mai mult, decat sa imi privesc copiii si iubirea sa creasca calda in interior, asemeni unui astru urias si bland. Si stiu ca, calatorind singura cu avionul, la aproape 70 de ani, pentru prima data in viata, ca sa vina sa ne vada in UK, constituie dovada suprema de iubire pe care mama putea sa mi-o ofere.
Stiu multi oameni care se chinuie. Pe sine si pe cei din jur, in numele iubirii. Nu stiu sa explic in cuvinte iubirea adevarata, dar stiu ca o traiesc. Asta s-a intamplat abia atunci cand nu m-am mai fortat sa o obtin, sa o pastrez, sa o dovedesc sau sa o simt. Poate sunt norocoasa. Sau poate doar am inceput sa imbatranesc. Ori poate ca, de fapt, am invatat sa ma uit in interior, ca sa gasesc ce am nevoie si sa iubesc tot ce este, asa cum este. Asa am aflat ca, in realitate, iubirea e mai simpla si mai frumoasa decat cea din filme si din carti.
P.S. La multi ani, Omul meu!
Ever since I moved to the UK, I have been constantly asking myself what experiences / lessons I have come here to learn. Well, when you ask questions, you get answers …
When I learned that I got the job and that I was going to be transferred from Romania to the UK, I admit I was not that excited. In my soul, after 25 years of work, I hoped to get away from the fixed-term employee life, from the crazy rhythm of logistics and especially from the commuting. I hoped that the meaning of my coming to the UK was, among other things, to be able to express myself differently, meaning helping people to make better choices for their lives through sport, nutrition, mindfulness …
When we are not in harmony, we are in disease (dis-ease). Not our body, but us. The disease (and the pain associated with it) is probably the only way we put our life on hold. At least until we feel better. We hate to be put on hold and so we are anxious to do everything and anything, so that we will get back quick to the way things were. We start fighting and struggling with the symptom, not understanding that the disturbance we feel is the red flag that helps us to be aware that something is not “right” inside us.
Someone wrote me, not too long ago, that “we easily lose and hardly win back our inner harmony”. Same person was asking me: “How do you keep your inner harmony?”
So, I asked myself: “How do I keep my inner harmony?” I try always to pay attention to the first answer that arises in my mind, without too muck thinking, as that first answer comes, most likely, from the heart, from the intuition and not from mind patterns or from judgmental thinking. The answer I got was: “You can not lose or win something that is always, but always within you“. I then said to myself: “Wait! But I do lose my balance sometimes!” The answer came right back to me: “That is what your mind wants you to believe.” I said: Right! So, that is why, each time I don’t feel o.k. with myself or with what is around me, I train my mind (because she stands in the way), not my inner harmony! That makes sense!